A Pussy by Any Other Name 

Ok...maybe Elvis is dead.

Ok…maybe Elvis is dead.

Who would have thought the most difficult aspect of acquiring a cat would be naming the little bastard? (And yes, for a few days in my mind he was Elbee.) Sonja and I have gone halvsies on a free cat. I’m still unclear what my role in raising the beast is, but our first task was coming up with a moniker for the little dude. So, I went to my comfort zone, The FaceBooks, to ask for help. After all of the funny crap, great (not deadly at all) advice, selfies, and general silliness I’ve posted over the years, it was a little disheartening that this was my most popular post ever. Seriously, ever. More popular than when I invented The Republicrat Party. More popular than when we won Tailgate of the Year. More popular than all the ridiculously photogenic pics of Sonja and me. It was jarring.

We received some great suggestions. Finally, after many ados, we landed on a name. Then the next day she didn’t like that name any longer. We chose another. Later when I called to wish her a “happy lunchtime” (I’m that great a boyfriend) she referred to him by yet another name. It began to get a little silly. But, now after culling and crying and laughing and wailing and gnashing of teeth we have arrived at a name for our cat. Ready? Just kidding, we didn’t really get a cat.

Just kidding…

For the thousands in attendance tonight, and millions watching around the world, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together and get your dollar bills out, this kitty is working for tips and tips alone. Please welcome to the main stage Elvis Gandalf Veto YoKitty, Esquire, The First.

When summoning him we will refer to him as Elvis. For invitations and monogramming please include his entire name. If he is successful in mastering the Muffliato Spell (no, not the sandwich, dumbass) we will call him Gandalf. Actually, if he learns any spells we will call him Gandalf.

Through this process we have recieved a lot of the same questions over and over. To keep from clogging up the FaceBooks, we have created a FAQ list. You’re welcome.

Elvis Gandalf Veto YoKitty, Esquire, The First FAQs

Q: A cat? Really? WTF?

A: Some of you may have caught this from the original post, but to re-plagiarize Elaine’s boyfriend, Putty, from Rules of Engagement, “It’s all about compromise. She wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. We compromised and got a cat.”

Q: Hey, the name I suggested was hilarious/great/spot on/purrr-fect (really?)/etc. Why didn’t you use it?

A: You are correct. We loved the name (insert the name you suggested here). He just didn’t act like a (re-insert the name you suggested here).

Q: Why did you bristle when I called Elvis a fur baby?

A: That’s disgusting. We assume that everyone knows that The Fur Baby is a sexual act that is 2.3 times more perverted than a Dirty Sanchez, and about equivalent to a Camel Punch. But, again I’m old. I still giggle when the lady on the commercial talks about Time Warner Cable’s Super DSL service (I’m honestly snickering while I type this). You can call your pet whatever the hell you want, but do you kiss your mom with that mouth?

Q: What about Pet Parents? Is that term okay?

A: Sonja did not give birth to a kitten. And cats hate alliterations. What is wrong with you people?

Q: It’s been rumored that you are training Elvis to be an attack cat. True?

A: With his agility and ferociousness it would be a shame not to.

Q: Is it true you just got a cat because without tailgating or MUSEP you were running out of things to put on The Facebooks?

A: Crap. I guess that about wraps up the FAQs.